Sleep is my Refuge

It takes 21 days to form a habit, they say. As of this writing, only 36 hours have passed since we both agreed to part ways. It was a gloomy morning. The sky seemed to be just waiting for our confirmation before it cried. I got a bit tipsy that day. I hugged you and tried to reach out to you and make you feel that I’m still the same woman that you fell in love with during that summer of 2012. But I sensed that you were kinda distraught and told me that you were driving. And I exploded. All the problems and pains that we were sweeping off the rug for the past few months have suddenly started to creep in. 1,865 days. 62 months in total. More than 5 years. My life revolved around you for the past 5 years. I’ve built my dreams with you in it. We’ve supported each other’s dreams. Somehow, we’ve already planned for our future. Every waking day means texting you good morning to let you know that I’m awake. Every sleeping night is synonymous to letting you know that you’re the last person that I remember before I hit the sack. In every decision I had to make, big or small, I’ve always considered what would you have felt or thought of if you find out. More often than not, I’ve always solicited your opinion first before doing something. Prior to meeting you, I thought I was a strong and independent woman. Fast forward to 5 years, I feel like I lost a limb and cannot completely function anymore. Even though it was a consensus between the two of us, I feel paralyzed. What I’ve been doing for the past 36 hours is sleeping. The moment I wake up, I go back to sleep. I don’t wanna move. I just wanna stay still. I don’t wanna go out because I feel so vulnerable. I feel like I’ve lost my shield and the world is going to hurt me more. In a way, I felt a sense of relief when we were bidding our farewells. Maybe because I knew that it would end up to this. And I knew that it’s for the best. We have to use this time to reevaluate what happened to us, what went wrong and what was lacking on why we ended up following different roads. I have to use this time to breathe and learn to love myself again. Cliché as it may sound, but I poured all the love that I had in me to make sure that you felt loved and cared for. Little did I notice that I had nothing to give myself anymore. People often say that you don’t give up on the people you love, that you gotta fight for them. But sometimes, the bravest thing that you can do for the person you love is to let him/her go. Letting go does not mean that you don’t love that person anymore. It also means that you wanna protect that person from any other kind of pain and heartaches that you may further cause if you force it. The pain never really goes away. But we learn how to live with it until it no longer hurts. To tell you frankly, I’m still hoping that one day you would show up knocking at my door and telling me that I’m still the one. But for now, I gotta go back to sleep until it hurts no more. Anyway, I still have 19 days and 12 more hours to form a habit.

Caught you in the arms of another

https://youtu.be/CHHsEkkCaiM Is she a better lover than I? Didn't I deserve your love? What else do you need? I already gave everything that I could give you. I even prioritized you above everything else. What else do you want? Am I not deserving for anybody's love? Am I just meant to be lied to and cheated on over and over again? I thought by loving and caring about someone so much would make people stay. But I guess not. 'Cause you still looked for more. What does she have that I don't which drawn you to her? What were the things that she told you for you to open up with her and give the attention that you were previously giving me? San pa ba ko nagkulang? San pa? Ansakit-sakit na. 😢

The grass is greener where you water it.

Ever heard of the saying that the grass is greener where you water it? That the grass elsewhere isn't always as green as what they seem. But why is it that people are never content with what they have? Why are people always looking for something more? More patience, more affection, more attention, better career, better lover. We complain about the things we currently have instead of being grateful for having them. We get annoyed with the the people that surround us, always looking for their flaws. We look for what our partners are lacking instead of focusing on what sets them apart from the rest. We fail to appreciate the things that they do for us, taking for granted their existence and looking for that something more in the arms of another person. We hear people say that 'consistency is the key' to achieve happiness in all our personal relationships. But we fail to be consistent with our actions because it's easier to dismiss our loved ones. It's easier to disregard their emotions because we think they would always be there for us. It's easier not to pay attention to them thinking that they would understand us all the time. We fail to realize that people get tired too when taken for granted. We fail to realize that all this time, they've been giving us the love and affection they can't even give themselves. And when one day, when they give up on us, we look for things to blame. We try to find excuses for the things we didn't do when the person was still around. We blame the other person's actions failing to realize that in the first place, he/she became like that because we failed to appreciate the little things they do for us everyday when we still had them. It's easier to find an escape route to make us feel that we don't deserve that person instead of admitting to ourselves that we failed at watering the grass to keep it greener. We don't have the guts to accept the fact that we've lost a diamond while we're busy looking for ordinary stones.

To Those Who Said NO

"When one door closes, another door opens but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which open for us." --Alexander Graham Bell Alexander Graham Bell may have experienced so many losses and failures for him to be able to come up with the quote above. But he's right. Oftentimes, when a wonderful opportunity passes by, we contemplate so much on why we didn't get that opportunity. We get upset if we don't get what we want even if we've worked so hard to achieve it. We get brokenhearted when the person we love don't love us back. We complain when the food on our table is the same as what we had the other day. We feel frustrated when we don't get the promotion wethink we deserve to have. We feel sad when we don't get to buy the clothes we want or when we don't get to travel to places we've been dreaming to travel to. We tend to focus more on our failures than the victories that we gain out of those losses. Have you ever thought of the things you've gained when you've lost something? Have you ever thanked someone for saying NO to you? Has it ever occured to you that there's a better purpose behind that NO? Probably not. Or perhaps, it took so long for you to realize that all the NOs you've had are certainly a million YES's for something better. They say that in order for you to gain something better, you must let go of something good. Easier said than done. Quite hard to understand most of the time. Why would you want to lose something you've worked hard for over something that's uncertain? That's the magic of FAITH. You gotta believe that every NO is a YES to something better. Had I never got that NO from the advertising company that I've applied for several years ago, I wouldn't be able to explore opportunities in the BPO industry. I wouldn't be able to disprove my misconception about BPOs. I wouldn't be able to witness how noble and hardworking those people who choose to build their career in this industry. Had I stayed in my comfort zone, I wouldn't know that there are better horizons outside that place. Had I got that promotion 2 years ago, I wouldn't be able to discover that I excel at something else and wouldn't be able to appreciate the beauty of waiting for something worth it. Had I never got my heart broken, I wouldn't discover that other people are willing to love me bigger and better than I could love myself. Had I never got those NOs and rejections in life, I wouldn't be able to humble myself and learn that life isn't always about winning all your battles. It's about learning to pick yourself up when you stumble and find ways to use those NOs in finding YES's in every aspect of your life. It's about looking at things on a brighter side. You have two choices-- either you sulk at every NO you get or find the good in every NO. I'm grateful for those who said NO to me. Because of them, I found the courage to discover other ways to say YES to better things in life.

Life's bitter taste

This is one of the moments when I wanna question why life is so unfair. Other people would have their means when they need money. Others would have the capacity to buy anything they want, go wherever they wanna go, pay whatever they need and want to pay, squander all their money whenever they want to. But why us? Why me? Why can I not do those things? I often ask myself why in a sea of billions of people, why was I born poor? Why was I born incapable of buying what I want? What I wish to have? What I need to pay for? Why did my father pass away at an early age? Why were all my dad's responsibilities left for me to fulfill? Why at an early age, I had to force myself to mature? Why me? Of all the people in the world, why someone like me whose very hardworking? Someone very patient? Someone very family-oriented? Someone who would always prioritize my family's needs more than mine? Why me? Why does my mom depend her strength on me? Why do my siblings depend so much on my capacity to resolve problems which seem to be mundane and petty for them? Why do I always need to be strong for other people? Why can't I follow my heart in doing what I want to do in life? Why do I always need to prioritize my family's needs and happiness before mine? Why does it have to be me? Why is life so unfair? :( Sometimes, all I want to do is give up, leave everything and run away from everything's that's hurting me. :( Why is life so unfair? WHY?

A lesson to be learned, not an answered prayer

Thought you were an answered prayer.. turned out you were a lesson to be learned. I'm gonna embrace the pain for now and wear it like a fucking shimmering crown with my head held high.

Hindi sapat ang sobra.

Lahat ng kaya kong ibigay sa'yo, ibinigay ko.. kahit wala nang matira para sa sarili ko. Lahat ng pang-unawa, binigay ko kahit minsan hindi ko na maunawaan yung sarili ko. Lahat ng pagmamahal na kaya kong ipadama sa'yo, pinadama ko.. kahit ang sakit-sakit na. Buong puso, kaluluwa at pagkatao ko, ibinigay ko sa'yo.. kahit durog ba durog na ko.. kahit na hindi ko na alam paano pa mahalin ang sarili ko. Lahat ng luhang iniiyak ko, pilit kong itinago sa'yo kasi ayokong isipin mong napapagod ako. Lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko, pinilit kong itago sa maskara ng mga ngiti ko dahil ayokong isipin mong nagrereklamo ako. Dahil mas gusto ko pa ring andyan ako sa tabi mo sa tuwing kelangan mo ko.. sa tuwing nalulungkot ka, nasasaktan ka at hinahanap mo yung sarili mo. Lahat ng mga plano ko, isinantabi ko kasi sabi nila kapag mahal mo ang isang tao, willing kang magsakripisyo, diba? Even if that would mean postponing or giving up on your dreams. Mahal mo nga diba? Sabi ko sa'yo nun dati hanapin mo yung sarili mo.. kasi pano ka nga naman magmamahal ng isang daang porsiyento kung ikaw nga hindi buo diba? Pero ano bang nangyari? Iniwan ba kita? Hiniwalayan? Binitawan? Hindi diba. Pinagpilitan ko yung sarili ko. I chose to stay and be with you until you find yourself and what's missing. Pero totoo pala yung sinasabi nila, lahat ng sobra masama. I've been asking myself kung saan ba ko nagkulang.. Kung bakit nung ako na yung kelangan ng pang-unawa mo, binitawan mo ko? Nung ako na yung kelangan ng pagmamahal at assurance, tinulak mo ko palayo at iniwanan. Bakit ganun? Ano pa bang hindi ko naibigay? Saang aspeto pa ko nagkulang? Ano bang kulang? Pero naisip ko.. hindi pala ako nagkulang kundi sumobra. Sumobra ko sa pag-intindi sa'yo.. Sumobra ko sa pang-unawa.. Sumobra ako sa pagmamahal ko sa'yo kaya ka nalunod. Sumobra ako sa laging pag-aalala sa'yo na nakalimutan ko nang unahin at alalahanin yung sarili ko. Sumobra ako sa pagpapadama sa'yong lagi lang akong nandito kung kelangan mo. Sumobra ako sa pagsisisksikan sa sarili ko sa'yo na dapat pala eh iginugol ko sa pagbuo sa sarilo ko. Hindi ko naisip na nakakalunod pala ang sobrang pagmamahal. Ang gusto ko lang naman punan yung kulang sa isang daang porsiyento ng pagkatao at puso mo.. pero kahit kelan pala hindi ako magiging sapat sa isang taong kulang. Kahit kelan hindi ko dapat ipagpilitan ang sarili ko sa isang taong hindi sigurado kung anong kulang sa kanya.. kung anong nawawala.. kung pano pupunan yung kulang. Kasi paano ka nga ba naman magmamahal ng buong-buo kung ikaw mismo eh hindi buo? Ang hirap palang magmakaawa sa isang taong pinatigas na ng panahon.. magmakaawa at humingi ng pang-unawa sa isang taong hindi na willing umunawa. Tama naman na. Tama na yung unahin at unawain kita. Tama na yung sobra-sobrang pagmamahal ko sa'yo. Panahon naman nang sarili ko naman yung unahin ko, yung unawain ko, yung mahalin ko. Ako naman yung maghahanap dun sa nawala sa'kin dahil sa pagmamahal ko sa'yo. Pero wag kang mag-alala, hindi ko hahanapin sa ibang tao yung nawala sa'kin. Hahanapin ko sa sarili ko.. sa kaibuturan ng puso at pagkatao ko kung saan napunta yung nawalang ako. Kasi paano ka nga naman magmamahal ng buo kung ikaw mismo, hindi buo?

Soloista

Uuwi akong mag-isa.. walang kasama.. Walang mapagsasabihan ng mga nangyari sa buong araw ko. Walang balikat na masasandigan kapag napapagod na ko. Walang mga brasong naghihintay mayakap pagkatapos ng isang mahabang araw. Walang mga ngiting sasalubong sa'kin kahit ano pang pagkahapo ang nadarama nya. Walang mga kamay na hahawak sa'kin para ipadama sa'king hindi ako nag-iisa. Mananatili na lang ba itong mga alaala? Ganun naman ata talaga. Hindi naman titigil ang pag-ikot ng mundo dahil lang sa nasasaktan ka.

False Hopes.

My boss often says that 'You cannot motivate people. You can only create a motivating environment.'

I try to instill those words in my mind. But what happened these past few days made me realize that it is somehow true. Because no matter how motivated you think you are, if the people around you make your workplace one hell of a place for scapegoats, you will be demotivated. The environment and people you work with are quite important to consider when you want to further your career plans and stay longer in a company.

I've been a firm believer of what Lord Acton said that 'Power corrupts. And absolute power corrupts absolutely.' Once a person who has been hungry for power for so long was given that 'privilege' or power that he/she's been longing for, will no doubt use it abusively. That person has been promised a false reassurance that he/she has the right to impose power over those people under his/her management.

I abhor those people whose main talent is to point fingers and blame others for their misery, failures, disappointments, dissatisfaction and shortcomings. People who do not have accountability for their actions. All they think of is how to project a good impression to those people above them, in order to be patronized and recognized by displaying that they have given their best to manage people even if they were part of an unaccomplished or failed project/task.

I am disgusted with those people who take credits for the outputs of other people. Taking credits is synonymous to stealing. How dare you do that to the people who have been working their asses off just to produce and deliver a masterpiece? How could you peacefully sleep at night knowing that you stole and got recognized for somebody else's idea? How dare you even do that?

What a pathetic country we live in where crab mentally is pretty apparent. What a pity to live in a world where being successful to some means using, abusing and pulling down other people just so they can have platforms to stand on to show their self-absorbed selves and create an illusion to others that they have achieved success and prestige.

What a pity to live in a world where victors are often those who are in power and the so-called losers are often those who have been used and manipulated by the people above them.

Grow some balls.

Take responsibility for your actions. Pointing fingers to project a good impression is never a good thing.

Accountability tells a lot about who you are as a person and not about those who you blame for your failures as a leader.