Sleep is my Refuge

It takes 21 days to form a habit, they say. As of this writing, only 36 hours have passed since we both agreed to part ways. It was a gloomy morning. The sky seemed to be just waiting for our confirmation before it cried. I got a bit tipsy that day. I hugged you and tried to reach out to you and make you feel that I’m still the same woman that you fell in love with during that summer of 2012. But I sensed that you were kinda distraught and told me that you were driving. And I exploded. All the problems and pains that we were sweeping off the rug for the past few months have suddenly started to creep in. 1,865 days. 62 months in total. More than 5 years. My life revolved around you for the past 5 years. I’ve built my dreams with you in it. We’ve supported each other’s dreams. Somehow, we’ve already planned for our future. Every waking day means texting you good morning to let you know that I’m awake. Every sleeping night is synonymous to letting you know that you’re the last person that I remember before I hit the sack. In every decision I had to make, big or small, I’ve always considered what would you have felt or thought of if you find out. More often than not, I’ve always solicited your opinion first before doing something. Prior to meeting you, I thought I was a strong and independent woman. Fast forward to 5 years, I feel like I lost a limb and cannot completely function anymore. Even though it was a consensus between the two of us, I feel paralyzed. What I’ve been doing for the past 36 hours is sleeping. The moment I wake up, I go back to sleep. I don’t wanna move. I just wanna stay still. I don’t wanna go out because I feel so vulnerable. I feel like I’ve lost my shield and the world is going to hurt me more. In a way, I felt a sense of relief when we were bidding our farewells. Maybe because I knew that it would end up to this. And I knew that it’s for the best. We have to use this time to reevaluate what happened to us, what went wrong and what was lacking on why we ended up following different roads. I have to use this time to breathe and learn to love myself again. Cliché as it may sound, but I poured all the love that I had in me to make sure that you felt loved and cared for. Little did I notice that I had nothing to give myself anymore. People often say that you don’t give up on the people you love, that you gotta fight for them. But sometimes, the bravest thing that you can do for the person you love is to let him/her go. Letting go does not mean that you don’t love that person anymore. It also means that you wanna protect that person from any other kind of pain and heartaches that you may further cause if you force it. The pain never really goes away. But we learn how to live with it until it no longer hurts. To tell you frankly, I’m still hoping that one day you would show up knocking at my door and telling me that I’m still the one. But for now, I gotta go back to sleep until it hurts no more. Anyway, I still have 19 days and 12 more hours to form a habit.