Sleep is my Refuge

It takes 21 days to form a habit, they say. As of this writing, only 36 hours have passed since we both agreed to part ways. It was a gloomy morning. The sky seemed to be just waiting for our confirmation before it cried. I got a bit tipsy that day. I hugged you and tried to reach out to you and make you feel that I’m still the same woman that you fell in love with during that summer of 2012. But I sensed that you were kinda distraught and told me that you were driving. And I exploded. All the problems and pains that we were sweeping off the rug for the past few months have suddenly started to creep in. 1,865 days. 62 months in total. More than 5 years. My life revolved around you for the past 5 years. I’ve built my dreams with you in it. We’ve supported each other’s dreams. Somehow, we’ve already planned for our future. Every waking day means texting you good morning to let you know that I’m awake. Every sleeping night is synonymous to letting you know that you’re the last person that I remember before I hit the sack. In every decision I had to make, big or small, I’ve always considered what would you have felt or thought of if you find out. More often than not, I’ve always solicited your opinion first before doing something. Prior to meeting you, I thought I was a strong and independent woman. Fast forward to 5 years, I feel like I lost a limb and cannot completely function anymore. Even though it was a consensus between the two of us, I feel paralyzed. What I’ve been doing for the past 36 hours is sleeping. The moment I wake up, I go back to sleep. I don’t wanna move. I just wanna stay still. I don’t wanna go out because I feel so vulnerable. I feel like I’ve lost my shield and the world is going to hurt me more. In a way, I felt a sense of relief when we were bidding our farewells. Maybe because I knew that it would end up to this. And I knew that it’s for the best. We have to use this time to reevaluate what happened to us, what went wrong and what was lacking on why we ended up following different roads. I have to use this time to breathe and learn to love myself again. Cliché as it may sound, but I poured all the love that I had in me to make sure that you felt loved and cared for. Little did I notice that I had nothing to give myself anymore. People often say that you don’t give up on the people you love, that you gotta fight for them. But sometimes, the bravest thing that you can do for the person you love is to let him/her go. Letting go does not mean that you don’t love that person anymore. It also means that you wanna protect that person from any other kind of pain and heartaches that you may further cause if you force it. The pain never really goes away. But we learn how to live with it until it no longer hurts. To tell you frankly, I’m still hoping that one day you would show up knocking at my door and telling me that I’m still the one. But for now, I gotta go back to sleep until it hurts no more. Anyway, I still have 19 days and 12 more hours to form a habit.

Caught you in the arms of another

https://youtu.be/CHHsEkkCaiM Is she a better lover than I? Didn't I deserve your love? What else do you need? I already gave everything that I could give you. I even prioritized you above everything else. What else do you want? Am I not deserving for anybody's love? Am I just meant to be lied to and cheated on over and over again? I thought by loving and caring about someone so much would make people stay. But I guess not. 'Cause you still looked for more. What does she have that I don't which drawn you to her? What were the things that she told you for you to open up with her and give the attention that you were previously giving me? San pa ba ko nagkulang? San pa? Ansakit-sakit na. 😢

The grass is greener where you water it.

Ever heard of the saying that the grass is greener where you water it? That the grass elsewhere isn't always as green as what they seem. But why is it that people are never content with what they have? Why are people always looking for something more? More patience, more affection, more attention, better career, better lover. We complain about the things we currently have instead of being grateful for having them. We get annoyed with the the people that surround us, always looking for their flaws. We look for what our partners are lacking instead of focusing on what sets them apart from the rest. We fail to appreciate the things that they do for us, taking for granted their existence and looking for that something more in the arms of another person. We hear people say that 'consistency is the key' to achieve happiness in all our personal relationships. But we fail to be consistent with our actions because it's easier to dismiss our loved ones. It's easier to disregard their emotions because we think they would always be there for us. It's easier not to pay attention to them thinking that they would understand us all the time. We fail to realize that people get tired too when taken for granted. We fail to realize that all this time, they've been giving us the love and affection they can't even give themselves. And when one day, when they give up on us, we look for things to blame. We try to find excuses for the things we didn't do when the person was still around. We blame the other person's actions failing to realize that in the first place, he/she became like that because we failed to appreciate the little things they do for us everyday when we still had them. It's easier to find an escape route to make us feel that we don't deserve that person instead of admitting to ourselves that we failed at watering the grass to keep it greener. We don't have the guts to accept the fact that we've lost a diamond while we're busy looking for ordinary stones.